hello.

September 19th, 2016
On Saturday night, while we were sitting in your car talking about the fun night we had just had, you turned to me and you said, “I think I’m in love with you.” I almost could not believe what I had heard. I never thought I would hear those words come out of anyone else’s mouth, other than my family, or my close friends whom I had known since high school. A small part of me thought, “maybe I’m just dreaming again.” But no, it was far from a dream; it was real. I actually heard the genuineness in your voice. I heard the shaky, nervousness in your voice. And I heard the way you just blurted out those words as if you did not plan on saying it at that moment in time. Your voice… your voice is the most calming thing my ears have ever had the advantage of hearing; I absolutely love hearing your voice. Whether it be you singing me songs that you learned to play on your guitar, talking to me about your shitty job that you want so badly to leave, or telling me that you think you’re in love with me, your voice is my favorite sound; I could listen to you talk to me days on end. Your voice and those words put me in such this state of euphoria that I had never experienced before, I do not ever want to let go of that feeling. I have only known you for a little less than a year, and out of anyone I have ever spoken to in my short nineteen years of life, nothing has ever sound more honest to me.

If I have a son:

His first word will be “no.” I will make sure he knows that word like he knows his mother’s love. Strong, unyielding.

I will take him to the store for a birthday gift and let him pick which ever toy he wants. The red fire truck. The beautifully diverse Barbie doll. A make up kit. A hulk smash glove set.

I will sign him up for football, little league, and dance. I will finger paint with him, and read to him every night until my little man is all grown up.

When he first calls a girl a “bitch” or a “skank” I will ask him where he learned how to treat women like that. I will ask him what qualifies for a title like that. And I will reiterate the word “no.”

He will know “no” like the back of his hand. He will understand that “no” does not mean “try harder,” or “maybe later.” No is a complete answer and statement. And he will know that he is free to express the same sentiment.

“No” is not a luxury some people can afford.

And if I have a son I will teach him to respect and treat women right. He will learn from the love his father gives his mother. The way his father treats his daughter, and the way my son will treat me.

If I have a son

I hope he’s everything like my grandfather. Hardworking, brave, caring. I pray he finds his way in life with few missteps, and a lot of lessons learned. I hope he respects his parents, his siblings, his peers, his inferiors.

If I have a son

I hope he’s nothing like the men from my past.